Getting married, starting your journey with that one person who gave more meaning into your life. You started a family and everything is a bliss. However, somewhere down the road, bumps and holes came and rattled the once happy family life you shared with your spouse. Now you are in bitter divorce battle, and the kids are in the middle of the conflict.
Let me share a friend’s story: she has been cheated on by her spouse with the babysitter (Ben Affleck, is that you?). She had a hard time trusting anyone, including herself. She found it hard to forget the things that have happened. Eventually, she tried to move on with her life and found solace and comfort in the arms of a divorcee. She was showered with promises of fidelity, loyalty, commitment, love, trust, and respect. So she fell in love again. Before her divorce came to a finality, she discovered that her new partner has been cheating on her as well. Why oh why! He admitted it and she is now again at a lost. She is an attractive, kind, loving and giving woman. What did she do that made it all happen again? Why is this happening to her? Lightning don’t strike the same place (or woman) twice, right? She is now at a crossroad, and she doesn’t know what to do. Her excruciating pain is gut deep. Where does she go from here? What can she do to start picking up the pieces of herself and start putting it back together?
This was my advice to her: First off, the acts committed by the ex-husband and current boyfriend cannot to be blamed on to her. It was already in their veins even before they met her. She just happened to fell for their sweet-nothings, well-crafted lies and empty promises. Both of them clearly have some deep issues that needs to be worked on before they can commit again. If they don’t seek help to have those resolved, there is nothing she can do. She needs to look deep within herself and know that she has value. She has a bright and glorious future. Reaching out for help is a step she took forward towards that goal. A change in one’s inner working must be made in order to ensure that none of that stuff happens to her again.
Here is an exercise one can do to help ease that sense of abandonment and grief.
In your mind, take a trip down memory lane and remember yourself as a little girl that has been left out. Visualize everything — the room, the scents, the emotions, the wind, the weather. Can you see your surroundings clearly? Now take a moment to listen to the conversations going around you. Are those from your family? Friends or strangers? Grasp the words and the actions as how you feel right now — scared, lonely and abandoned. Take a deep breathe and freeze everyone in the scene except your little self. As your grownup self, enter that room and take the little girls hand. Look at her and tell her she is not alone anymore. Tell her that you will help her through the moment. Explain to her that the actions of the people around her has nothing to do with her. The bad emotions of those people were lingering inside them for so long even before she was born. Ask her what she would say to them if they could hear her. She would probably want to let them know that she loves them but doesn’t like how they treat her. As the grownup you, tell her it’s okay to forgive them and wish them peace in their hearts and mind. Tell her to let them go so that both of you can move forward into your new life. Visualize yourself giving her a hug. Let her know that both of you will be together forever and neither of you will ever be alone again. Both of you are loved and is now safe.
That little girl is the representation of one’s inner self. Life didn’t get complicated because we got older. It became complicated because we were too young to understand it fully. Everyone deserves to be loved and life a life filled with joy. In every situation, one must learn how to choose a different point of view. Always be open to learn lessons that the situation will present. Never allow yourself to stay (or be) a victim. The choice to see a different point of view is yours and yours alone. One must allow herself to heal during this difficult time and know that this too shall pass. One may not be able to choose how they started their life story but she can certainly get to choose the middle and ending. Choose happily ever after for one’s self.